I flipped the magazine open. The article in front of me was titled “Rose.” It didn’t sound very interesting, but I read it anyway. It turned out to be exactly what I needed to hear, a repetition of what God has been emphatically trying to teach me this week.
The main idea is this: I am exactly where God wants me to be. He knows who I am, with all my skills and shortcomings, and he chose intentionally to put me here. I need to quit comparing and striving and just be me.
Honestly, I don’t know if this is about being in Guam or not. Probably, like any transition, I’m trying to figure out where I fit, and what I’m supposed to do. This is heightened with the “missionary” title and the combination of cultures here: What did God bring me here for? What am I supposed to do?
Every time I ask these questions – usually when I see either a great need or someone else apparently doing something “great” – God confirms to me that I am supposed to be home with my kids right now. Not killing time, but intentionally working there. This is my mission field: my home, my children, and whoever God brings into my life as I work with them. This is exactly what my skill set shows He has designed and trained me for. Such a beautiful, sweet confirmation. Such peace.
But then I get frustrated again. I start to feel stuck, or I start looking at what other people are doing. Let me get specific.
You may have heard me talk about my friends Olen & Danae Netteburg, or seen my links on facebook to their blog, missionarydoctors.blogspot.com. They are also new docs who just finished all their training, also parents to two kids, just a little younger than mine. But God’s call in their life looks totally different. They are currently in Tchad, Africa, where they are working in a classic “mission doctor” situation – they are the only 2 doctors for the district, doing things that stretch their abilities, emotions, bodies, etc. They live with a cold water bucket shower and no air conditioning. I know they struggle sometimes (They would appreciate it if you would pray for them! Check out their blog for specifics.), but when we got to hang out at Mission Institute this summer, I was amazed at how all the things that overwhelm me about what they’re doing don’t really seem to be a big deal to Danae. They both seem very happy and content. They know they’re where they’re supposed to be. (They do need another doctor to join them…)
In contrast, I am in a place where tourists love to come, in a beautiful, comfortable home (or at least it will be when we finally unpack everything!), with many welcoming friends and fellow missionaries. As I write this, I’m sitting in the air-conditioned Hilton hotel, looking out over their koi ponds at the ocean. I’m not land-locked in hot, dusty Africa.
(Rather, I’m ocean-locked, I guess…but I think cabin fever doesn’t hit for a while yet…) J Anyway, the point is, life is totally different here than there.
Am I doing anything valuable when I’m not doing anything spectacular?
What if I’m not good enough to do the kind of work they’re doing?
I don’t think I’ve ever felt God speak so forcefully to me. There were no audible words, but there was a very strong message, almost like God was saying, “Karen, get this in your head! I am proud of you. I made you just the way I want you. I put you where I want you.” It was a very strong call to quit comparing, to quit worrying. Just be. It’s ok to live contentedly the life He has put before me.
I realized that this is part of trusting the Shepherd, too. The most recent section I read in Phillip Keller’s book A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 was about the staff and rod. It’s awesome. The applicable part is that one of the uses of the shepherd’s staff is to bring the sheep close to each other and close to Himself, into the relationships they need to be in. Ah, yes. It is not my job to seek to try to do something amazing. I need to keep seeking the Shepherd, and cooperate when he carries me someplace.
When I quit trying to do God’s job, and I quit trying to be a star, then I can just be me. I can be content and rest in God’s love for me.
When I’m not measuring my own value, I can notice and care about other people.
So I’m not very good at this yet. I still struggle with a whiny heart and self-focused eyes.
But I know that God means what He said. It matches everything He’s said in 1 Corinthians 12 about the body of Christ, and in many other places, too. It is true for you as well as me. I pray that you and I will both be able to grasp this more and more, and live with secure, content hearts, no matter where we are.
Thanks for taking the time to read my long letter….
~Karen
P.S. The article “Rose” was in the Adventist Frontier Missions magazine (September 2011), about how a simple, God-directed encounter with a mom & baby made a huge difference to a grieving mother.
