For some reason, after a conversation with a friend tonight about her future plans, my heart felt a little sad. I think it had to do with a conversation from a few days ago, too.
I feel “at home” here. For a few months, everything was new and different. But after Loren’s family came at Christmas, I realized that this feels like home now. I think it had to do with getting the house a little more settled in preparation for their arrival, and also with showing them around. This is where we live, this is what we do, these are our friends, this is where we like to go… This is … home.
So it bothered me a bit to have some friends ask me a few days ago about how I like it here, how everything is going… There is certainly nothing wrong with those questions, but I’m just realizing tonight that the key issue is that I will never be “from” here, no matter how long I live here. It’s clear just from looking at me. I will always get asked, “So how long have you been here?” That doesn’t mean I don’t feel welcomed. I do! Everyone is very kind, hospitable, friendly… I do feel like I can find a niche here, be comfortable here, and fit in here to a large degree.
But the new bittersweetness in my heart tonight is from this idea of not being “from” the place I live. I don’t expect to be “from” the place I live for a long time, if ever. This isn’t about moving back to where I grew up. It’s changed, I’ve changed… It’s about settling somewhere, feeling like I deeply belong there, feeling like part of the group that calls it “our” place.
I was thinking about this on my way home from dinner at a friend’s house. Then it was time for the usual bedtime routine: jammies, worship time, toothbrush, etc. Tonight, Ashlyn chose to do her “Abraham” memory verse. It’s Hebrews 11:8 and 10 (New Living/Karen Seery versions). “By faith, Abraham obeyed God and went to a new land God told him to go to, even though he didn’t know where he was going. … He did this because he was looking forward to an eternal city, a city designed and built by God.”
I knew God was speaking to my heart as we started saying the last half. I see that even more now as I look up the reference to write this blog. Verse 9 is even more direct! (This time in NIV.) “By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country….” Wow! The same tension I feel! Home, but not home.
Abraham’s case is more dramatic than mine. I’m not living in tents (see verse 9), and this island isn’t that foreign. But it’s still neat to see that there was someone (probably a LOT of someones!) who felt the same way I do, and considered it worthwhile. No, I wasn’t thinking of giving up, but it’s always nice to have a little camaraderie. :)
But one of my favorite things about all this is how God took the time to speak to my heart. He noticed and cared about me, even the little sadness I was feeling, and spoke encouragement to me through his Word. And really, that’s what makes everything both worthwhile and doable—this God who cares for us. He filled my heart with contentment and peace again tonight, and I am so thankful.
